Today's Message
Last night was a rough night for me. I've been really struggling with the loss of Quilly. I know that I cannot change what his fate was. My ability to understand is limited and my incessant questions of "why?" cannot be answered. But it doesn't stop the pain and the emptiness that I feel both in my body and in my life. I've tried so hard to be strong and to focus on the good... my children, husband, family, friends, and my budding relationship with God. It's just not easy. I fell asleep with a heavy heart, clutching a tiny green onesie.
This morning when I woke up, the outfit was still in my grip but I put it aside in an attempt to get my day started. I got out of bed and made my way to the girls' room. They were both still sleeping. I crawled into bed with Abby (on the bottom bunk) and as I went to wrap my arms around her, I felt her warm sheets, wet with pee. I gently shook her awake and hugged her anyway. Her smell was strong and her clothes felt clammy. It didn't really matter. She hugged me back and without even opening her eyes, she said she loved me. It was enough to jump start me. I got her cleaned up and stripped her bed, then woke Harleigh to get her ready. Clothes, hair, tooth brushes, shoes, backpacks and finally getting myself ready. Before I left the house to take the girls to school, I poked Quilly's onesie into my purse. This would have to work for now.
After dropping the kids off, I went in for my weekly visit with Marcy. Today we discussed Abraham and his faith in God. Abraham prepared his son, Isaac, for sacrifice whole heartedly believing that God would provide. Well if you know the story, you know that although he was prepared to offer Isaac, that he did not have to. God provided a ram in his place for a burnt offering and Isaac lived because of Abraham's unquestioning obedience.
At the end of the story, there was a set of questions relating to it. The last one has me puzzled... Considering your circumstances, how does knowing God knows and provides what you really need bring you reassurance? I'm trying like crazy to figure this one out.
This morning when I woke up, the outfit was still in my grip but I put it aside in an attempt to get my day started. I got out of bed and made my way to the girls' room. They were both still sleeping. I crawled into bed with Abby (on the bottom bunk) and as I went to wrap my arms around her, I felt her warm sheets, wet with pee. I gently shook her awake and hugged her anyway. Her smell was strong and her clothes felt clammy. It didn't really matter. She hugged me back and without even opening her eyes, she said she loved me. It was enough to jump start me. I got her cleaned up and stripped her bed, then woke Harleigh to get her ready. Clothes, hair, tooth brushes, shoes, backpacks and finally getting myself ready. Before I left the house to take the girls to school, I poked Quilly's onesie into my purse. This would have to work for now.
After dropping the kids off, I went in for my weekly visit with Marcy. Today we discussed Abraham and his faith in God. Abraham prepared his son, Isaac, for sacrifice whole heartedly believing that God would provide. Well if you know the story, you know that although he was prepared to offer Isaac, that he did not have to. God provided a ram in his place for a burnt offering and Isaac lived because of Abraham's unquestioning obedience.
At the end of the story, there was a set of questions relating to it. The last one has me puzzled... Considering your circumstances, how does knowing God knows and provides what you really need bring you reassurance? I'm trying like crazy to figure this one out.
I've read through your posts...I cannot imagine any of what you are going through. It brings me to tears and makes it hard to breathe when I read your words of how hard it is...and I am not even experiencing it. You are an amazing person and Momma to be reacting in the way that you are. Please know three things...God is always there...I am praying that God constantly wraps his arms and his peace around you, Tyler and the girls...and lastly, I am just across the highway if you ever need someone...call. My number is the same. Love, Hugs and Prayers to you.
ReplyDeleteSara- Thank you for your comment. I can't believe it was on here for six days before I even noticed it. This blog has given me a place to put some of the thoughts rolling around in my head. Sometimes they make sense, sometimes not. :)
ReplyDelete