Where Do I Stand?

When I was little, I remember waking up in the in a pew of the Paoli Christian Church and wondering why my mom was wet. I'd later learn that she was baptized that night. I was very young so my memories of it are pretty limited.

Some years later as a child, my grandma Louise would take me along to Sunday service with her at the local Nazarene church. Lessons were taught to the children of the church but I never could quite grasp anything.

Later on I would attend youth group at the same Christian Church my mother had been baptized at. Amongst my peers, we would go over instances in the Bible that I never knew about. The best way for me to describe it is.. starting a movie that you've never seen, right in the middle of the plot. And that movie just happens to be in a foreign language. Not knowing made me embarrassed.

You know... when John the Baptist baptized Jesus in Matthew 3:13-15

No. I didn't. Yes, I just Googled it.

My husband, Tyler, and I were married in the First Presbyterian Church because I loved the stained glass windows. When choosing the wording for our ceremony, I omitted a lot references of God because I still didn't feel comfortable.

First Presbyterian Church

A couple of years ago when we lost our son I thought, ok...maybe it's time. A few of Tyler's co-workers tried to comfort him with scripture and biblical reasoning. We actively began seeking a church for our family. One church was wrong for us right away. A second, felt okay. We attended a couple services and confided in the preacher of our loss. I wanted him to explain to me why my son had been stricken with such an awful disease. I was a good person. What kind of God would send me such a lesson? He didn't have a reason. At the time of speaking to him, my head wasn't completely clear so I can't be sure of what he even told me. Not long after that, we stopped attending church. My heart hurt so badly and nothing that I had gotten from church lessened the pain. I was angry.

I received some counseling from Christian based counseling center in Mitchell at the time of our loss. I met with a counselor weekly. She loaned me a Bible and pointed out some scripture to 'comfort' me. She was a wonderful person but it wasn't what I needed either.

 In the past two years since, we've made irregular visits to Tyler's grandma's church because we know it makes her happy to see us there. We've also listened to a friend preach a couple of times. We've enjoyed his stories but still, no church.

I've always been on the fence when it comes to religion. I want to believe that there is a higher power who's watching out for my kids but frankly, I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't understand.

When people have requests for prayer when a loved one is ill or they just need guidance, I don't immediately bow my head or close my eyes at their request. I'll silently send out loving feelings to them but I sincerely struggle with praying to a God. When I see someone who's struggling with loss or watching a loved one die and I hear someone say that God is healing...I wonder, why say that? Who's healing?

I don't know that I strictly fit into any one group so I struggle to define where I stand. I know a lot of people who believe that homosexuality is wrong because the Bible tells them it is but I don't have a problem with one person loving another. I've seen some pretty amazing people who are homosexual that believe in God but aren't defined by one thing. Not just Christian. Not just homosexual. Just people. I can't understand how someone's love can be wrong.

I  believe in wrong and right. I believe in science and medicine. I believe in the Constitution. I believe in rules, law, order... It's immoral and unethical to steal from your brother. Our government says that we should not ingest illegal substances, I follow. It's law. I've made choices in my life that some God-fearing folk wouldn't agree with. Am I misguided? Can I be guided?

There are two things I don't discuss... religion and politics. I don't understand either.
Sigh.