Where did you go?

Raising a preteen girl is tough.  One minute  Abby crawls into bed with me to snuggle, the very next day she can't hear me over her headphones.. She'll still wear the clothes I pick out and lets me hug her in public.  She'll gladly have a thirty minute conversation with me but then huff and eyeroll because I asked her to do a simple task for me.  Moment to moment,  you never know what you're going to get. But there's still a glimmer of the sweet girl I love inside there. 

Raising a teen girl,  takes the cake so far.  Harleigh can't hear me OR see me.  She only communicates when forced. The attitude and snark, shew. Sometimes I'd just like to mash her mouth.  She's moody and kind of like a minefield,  you tread slowly and gently for fear of explosion.  Don't get me wrong,  I'm not afraid of her.  I just never know when or how she'll be triggered.  Will she cry? Will she be angry? Will she look at me like I'm the worst mother in the world? Or not at all?  Sometimes the stone silence is worse than the scoffing. I think some teenage asshole monster has eaten my baby girl. 

I'm trying so hard to have a good relationship with my older girls.  I make it a point to spend special time with them. I'm genuinely interested in their interests.  I'm trying to find the balance between good mom and cool mom.  You know? Connect without giving the impression they can walk all over me.  I want them to come to me when they need me but respect me as their parent.  

Tonight we spent some family time outside of the house.  Harleigh seemed annoyed before we left. I finally just told her,  "Fake it, for me". It was heartbreaking to utter that.  I. Do. Not.  Like.  This.  Stage.

My kids are good kids.  I have no major complaints. I'm just constantly wondering... where did you go?

  Circa 2009