Buy less. Be present more.

Anyone reading my recent posts has probably noticed a theme. Emotion.  While I fully acknowledge that I'm probably struggling somewhat with post partum depression,  I think something else that factors into my roller coaster mood swings is that it's the holidays.   

Like every mom out there, my mind is preoccupied with doing it all. Buying the requested items,  making all the crafts and treats, doing the extras, etc. I know realistically that isn't possible but we all strive to make Christmas magical for our kids. And every year, like the year before,  I say I'm going to do less and be more present. But this year I simply have to.

Today,  I actually caught myself crying in my car thinking about how will I afford to give the girls the best Christmas. I admit it.  I was thinking very materialistic. We aren't hard up,  I was just caught up in the moment. Anyway,  I had just pulled into my driveway on my lunch break and I broke into a full-on crybaby fit. I put my hands onto my steering wheel and took deep breath to try and reign myself in. And that's when I noticed it; the band on my watch was cracked nearly all the way through.  

It's just a simple, brown leather Timex.  The face is riddled with scratches from rubbing against things. The band has one indentation where the buckle is secured daily. That indention wasn't created by me,  it was started by my grandma. It was the watch she was wearing when she took her last breath.  Since the day we lost her,  it hasn't left my wrist other than to shower. It stopped keeping time last year. I could replace the battery but I haven't for the silliest reason,  I don't know how. And if I found out that I couldn't replace the battery,  it wouldn't change the fact that i'd get up tomorrow and put it back on again.  Subconsciously I think I've continued to wear it  to tell myself to slow down.  To remind myself that time is precious.  

Seeing the crack in the band really brought it home for me today.  This could be the last day I wear her watch... or tomorrow.. or next week.  And time... it's the same way. It's fleeting. It's not forever.  It's so precious.  And seeing that crack broke my heart just a little but I know why it's there.  It's a very precious reminder.  

So, I'm going to remind myself everyday until Christmas passes (and everyday moving forward),  to make sure I'm putting actual time in with my family.  That's what really counts. That's what's remembered.