I need to tell you something ugly.

Having children is supposed to be a beautiful experience.  And it is. For the most part. During pregnancy, a woman's body is wrecked- weight gain, stretched skin, sickness, weakness, fatigue. Then labor starts and your very core is rocked. It is the most intense physical experience in your life but the minute that screaming baby is pulled from your body and laid on your chest, it's like the  memory of all of those difficult days just fade away. You're immediately overwhelmed with the a love that is both all-consuming and suffocating. The absolute joy you experience is unmatched by anything else. 

As the oxytocin slowly drains from your body and the high comes to an end; there's this new life, completely and totally dependent on you. Their eyes train on you. The familiar sound of your voice and heartbeat, are now the only thing that brings them comfort. You must feed, bathe, diaper, care, comfort, provide for and soothe this baby. That.is.a.lot. 
 
In the beginning, your family and friends are intent on getting their hands the baby. Everyone wants to smell it's intoxicating baby smell and snuggle it close. They want to ease your load by letting you take a nap, shower, or give you a free minute to fold your mountain of laundry. People call and text to share in your joy. 

From the outside looking in, it would seem like this should be the happiest time in your life. You've got a beautiful, healthy baby (perhaps even healthy, happy older children) and a supportive and helpful partner. But the reality is, sometimes it can feel far from a happy time.

The new fades, and it's easy to slip silently into the baby blues. Your entire world just changed. Your family dynamic has shifted. You are physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. You may not have slept eight hours in a period of several days. You are struggling to keep up with household chores. And in the middle of the night, it's hard to see that the endless crying from the baby really is just a temporary period in time. 

Personally, the moments (days, weeks and months) that followed the births of my children were terrifying. I was afraid of failure.. afraid of loss.. I stayed in a state of cranky exhaustion. I was just generally sad when I knew that I should not be sad. I would tell myself.. "this is a happy time" but my emotions would betray me all of the time. I'd cry in the shower... cry at night... cry when my babies cried. There were days I felt hopeless and not interested in parenting my own children. I knew these feelings were not rational but I could not change them no matter what I tried. So I hid it...from most every one. 

I thought that even though I had always dreamed of being a mom, that something inside of me didn't agree with that. I thought I was a horrible mother or just a horrible person in general because the way I felt on the inside, didn't match what people saw. 

After each pregnancy, I'd go crawling into my doctor's office on the verge of falling apart. I'd tell the doctor all of the craziness in my head and each time, I'd be prescribed antidepressants and within a couple of weeks, I'd feel normal.

I didn't know. I didn't know that with every pregnancy I had postpartum depression. I didn't know it was normal. I didn't know that it wasn't something I should be ashamed of. 

Postpartum depression affects 1 in 10 new mothers. I'm one.   Moms, if you need me, email me. Call me. Text me.