Exhaustion

Just as I closed my eyes last night and started to doze off, Lynlie would cry out and roll onto her back and flop back to her stomach. She'd nurse a little and slip back into sleep, then cry out again. It was a cycle that went on for what seemed like forever. At one point I found myself admonishing her, "You've got to stop it. I need to rest." My mind had gotten to a place where although I knew she wasn't feeling well, my lack of sleep was starting to affect my ability to handle the situation. This was night three of what seemed like hell. 

She didn't have a fever and her nose that had once been runny earlier in the week was dry. So, I did the only thing I knew to do; I paced the floor with her. I bounced her and whispered into her ear. I gave her Tylenol in the event that she was experiencing some discomfort that I couldn't detect. And I cried.

When I finally got her to doze off, she rested for maybe a couple of hours and then, it was morning.

My alarm went off, I cried. When I washed my hair, I cried. When I dressed myself and fixed the girls' hair, I cried. Even as I scrambled to gather my belongings and get out the door, my eyes were so heavy that one blink would've sent tears streaming down my face. 

On my way to take Lynlie to daycare, she babbled and squealed from the backseat. She clapped and yelled 'Momma' at me but I was upset with her so I turned up the radio a little.  My mind couldn't separate the morning from the night before. I told myself this was a phase (or that she was sick) and that it was ok to breakdown but that I had to pull my shit together. Thinking about my exhaustion just caused more tears so I rolled the window down so that the morning air would dry my face.

Now that I've taken a minute to myself, although at work, I'm feeling a little better. I just needed to step away and think....

Sometimes being a mom means being a pacifier. It means being a comforting pillow when your child doesn't feel well. It means being a human Kleenex to a snotty nose. It means crying along side of your child when you don't know why they hurt. It means sleeping on a Lego but refusing to remove it because to do so might disturb their sleep. Being a mom definitely means being tired. But it also means some really great things. It means you are the first person they want to see everyday. It means you are the one who makes them feel the safest and most comfortable. Being a mom means loving and being loved more than one person can imagine. 

If you're having a day like mine, just remember that you aren't alone out there.

You're doing great.